Not quite as planned

Ha ha ha… within an hour of writing the last entry I was at McDonald’s eating a large McFlurry. Yikes, definitely not as planned but in my head I left the door open and started that battle. Some of you may know what that feels like.

You start debating whether or not you should give to a craving, then the desire gets stronger. All this instead of just thinking “no choice!” and closing that door in your head. The real reason that started all this was stress of the parking situation in my condo and when I got into my car to go the gym it started all over again and I was overwhelmed with anger and stress over my side neighbor who once again hit my car. This has been going on for 2 years and it’s time I escalate it even though I don’t feel safe in doing so. I’ve written a nice note about it, and 3 weeks ago talked to the owners of the car yet it still happens.

I drove to the gym and sat in the parking lot and thought – no way am I working out and drove to McDonalds.

Lesson of the event – don’t even open the door to that thought. Try “I’m really, really stressed and working it out with sweat will make me feel a lot better than food”.

Good news thought, I weighted today and have lost 3 pounds! And  had two great social situations in the last two days where I stuck to the plan 🙂 Wanted to share with you a great entry on Bitchcakes blog, it’s very inspirational and about not giving up http://msbitchcakes.blogspot.com/2010/02/reader-question-how-do-you-recover-from.html and it’s her blog and few others that help keep me focused and positive!

Hard work

I took last night (when I really wanted to sit on the couch) to plan the next 4 days and get my food ready. I wrote it all out and surprise – I felt my anxiety go down! As usual, I have about 3-4 social situations a week that involve food or beer and in no way am I ready to quit those because of diet. I do want to feel confident and not scared of these situations because of the food.

By planning out the food for the next 4 days I’m able to be moderate (as in – one beer, order a salad, one serving from the buffet table) and reduce the rest of the food calories for the day. Success and I feel no apprehension about the social events which is exactly how it should be!

Today I mostly stuck to the plan and at Indian buffet had only one serving, ate slow, and no naan bread. However, I did have a small bit of dessert. This was great and I feel like I accomplished my goal.

3 weeks ago I was all fired out and now it feels like hard work again. So… gotta stick to the plan which is plan out meals, record the calories, and a few things from the Beck Diet book.

Weighted myself and of course, no loss. But, it’s not as much about the weight as before. I want to have a few weeks of reducing calories … no.. even that’s too ambitious for now. I want to have a few weeks without a binge. Then I can focus on reducing calories, then I can weigh in.

Shift in thoughts

I expected to gain at leat 3-4 pounds from the vacation because I tracked what I ate 5/7 days and added up the calories! Yes, over 3500 a few days!

I weighted today and am back to where I was about 1 month ago which is great.

Since reading the Overeaters Anonymous books plus a bit of the “Beck Diet” I’m noticing a shift in my thoughts. Everything always comes together at once and all the readings plus the blogs I follow I’m in a new place regarding food and weight. It’s a shift, not a total change, but something I noticed and want to share.

It seems lately that it’s not so much the calories and certainly not the weight (which is a huge progressive step for me). It feels like more often than not it’s about the behavior and observing why I eat. The cause, not the symptom. It’s a really new view and sure, it’s not 100% there but at least half of the time I’m there.

I don’t want to be obsessed with food and weight. I’d like to be in a place where I can eat when I’m hungry and not upset, bored, happy, etc. I want to eat to fuel my body, not soothe my mind.

I’m still tracking what I eat because that works for me, and still tracking workouts. This week I’m going to stick to the first few chapters of the Beck Diet and twice daily review my reasons why I want to lose weight, and eat sitting down. I have a few social eating situations this week and I’m prepared for them.

Progress on that as well – it’s not as scary eating out anymore. I don’t feel deprived or upset that I had to order the low cal options. The last few times  I felt PROUD that I stuck to my goal! Yah – big progress for me!

Week’s V-kay

Was on holiday for a week and some success and some not so good’s.

Success: ordered salad twice for dinner. Read first 4 chapters of “The Beck Diet” by Lesley Beck and am still absorbing all the good things I’ve learnt so far!

Not so goods: two fast food dinner at the airport, lots of chocolate covered popcorn at night, and ice cream three times.

Back to the grind today and ate well.

Another unplanned treat

Had a very nice meal plan for the entire day but some reason, well, the reason was frustration at work over a project with a consultant which I dealt with by going to the corner store of the building and buying two cookies . At least it wasn’t four, and I didn’t sabatouge the entire day like buying a large pizza like I wanted to for dinner. However, the day isn’t over yet.  Must focus on my goal of ending the cycle/pattern/addiction of eating for emotional reasons. I want to feed by body, not my emotions!

Re-motivated!

I’m moving over a new blog to this site so I’ll reference the old one here.  

This is also a good time to do this as the last few weeks have been very eye-opening about the relationship I have with food and why losing weight and keeping it off hasn’t worked before.  For me, and this isn’t for everyone, the reasons I eat and gain weight are like an addiction and I need to approach weight loss in a new way entirely.

Spent the weekend reviewing the last month or so and feel back on track. I know what works for me:

– gym and cardio 5-6 times a week and am re-committed to that. It also helps me keep a good mental-health level and sleep so much better.

– back to tracking and counting calories

What’s new:

– viewing all the “treats” and “cheats” I have as an addiction and relating it back to when I quit smoking. Ending those habits will  suck at first and will be  physically, then mentally challenging. But it does get easier and becomes a lifestyle.

– not relating food and calories consumed with words like “good” or “bad”.

– accepting I will have days or even weeks (hope to keep it to days though) where I am not at 100% of where I want to be. No one is perfect.

Did you notice not once was there a mention of a goal loss? That’s right, because it’s not about that anymore. Huge realization. It’s about changing my behaviors, not my body!